Sneaky little doubt

I am sure it happens to you, too. You are about to do something, already in full swing, when it suddenly hits you splat in your face: „This is stupid!“. The blast is unannounced, profound and disorientating. You need to stop and assess the damage.

Blurred vision, queasy feeling in the stomach, unsteady heart rate. You’ll know it: doubt has arrived! First just one tiny thing, like pressing the send button, then it spreads and soon enough you can doubt anything. It is like losing footing on an icy patch in the mountains and then sliding downhill with nothing to hold on to.

(I know that some people do that for fun and call it skiing, but I don’t think of it as enjoyable.)

And we never quite know how it finds its unwelcome, sneaky way in. Today, it was the mail of a friend. She had mentioned that she published some articles and promised to send them. When I read them, I realised that they were beautifully crafted, included well-researched facts and were full of good ideas and thoughts. A fully grown-up reading experience.

Then I thought of my endeavour with this blog and doubt hit me. Pushed me with a vengeance down the slope of dwindling self-confidence and fear of public shame.

As I tumbled along, I was searching for edges to hold on to and after some ungraceful flailing, I grasped on to a few. Here they are, for my own future reference and in case you ever stumble onto the path of doubt and doom:

• My own work does not get better or worse by what other people are doing. I should be happy, that others are very talented because that makes the world a better place and our conversations interesting.
• I am not forcing anyone to read this. My readers have the easiest escape button.
• If my writing is not great, others compare favourably and might feel even more encouraged to write themselves and find joy in that. If my writing is decent, people can enjoy that. Either way it’s a win.
• It is a process and failure is okay. Only one thing is for certain in any kind of process: if we do nothing, nothing gets done.

So, I looked doubt straight into the eye and the funniest thing happened: doubt itself started to doubt itself. It wobbled and puffed and then slid back into whatever crevice it is hiding in. I am sure it will appear again soon enough. But that’s its job. My job is to live: that includes to make mistakes and live with them. Without a doubt!